


moving on

by luvsyong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ....and they were roommates, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pining, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, THATS A REAL TAG???????, Yuta is whipped, lots of mentions of yutas red and silver hair cuz i loved those ok
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29067213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvsyong/pseuds/luvsyong
Summary: when the lecture ends, sicheng packs up his things and gets ready to leave. he almost jumps when he feels a tap on his shoulder. the stranger (the pretty one) is holding sicheng’s notepad and handing it to him, smiling widely. sicheng grabs it from him, a quiet thank you slipping past his lips.“my name is yuta, by the way.”and though sicheng is in no mood to pursue any new friendship, he can’t bring himself to say anything harsh to the bright-faced stranger.“sicheng.”
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	1. jaehyun

some argue that life doesn’t change even after a loved one has passed. they say that the sun still rises each morning and the birds still sing their songs, as gleefully as they did before. sicheng doesn’t think so. for him, everything is different. yes the sun still shines, but it isn’t as bright, and it isn’t as warm. the grass covering the sidewalk is still green, but it’s dull and less pigmented than before.

it’s clear to sicheng that after jaehyun has gone, everything has changed. 

  
  


<3

  
  


sicheng wakes up to his alarm blaring in his ears, eyes wet from the dream he had. he can’t remember the exact contents of the dream, but he remembers seeing jaehyun’s face, which provides him with the explanation he needs. from there, he goes on auto-pilot. he falls into the same routine he does everyday; go to the washroom, have a quick breakfast, and heads to class. 

the weather is particularly cold outside today, and it makes sicheng wince. he ridicules himself for not having put on more layers when he left his apartment this morning. the cold air and ambient sounds of cars passing by allows his mind to wander; allows him to think about thoughts he tries to avoid. when a memory of jaehyun starts to resurface, he promptly slips in his headphones and continues about. 

sicheng hears his name being called, and turns his head. despite the distance, he can make out yangyang’s figure and face, running towards him.

“there you are. you didn’t wait up for me!” yangyang whines, and sicheng doesn’t answer. he does slip out one of his earbuds, and yangyang silently appreciates the gesture.

yangyang begins to ramble about how he had woken up late due to his phone being dead for whatever reason. he complains about how his charger is broken and how his roommate won’t let him borrow theirs, and how he has to go buy a new one now. sicheng makes small nods and hums whenever yangyang talks, though not opting for any long responses to the younger. yangyang pays it no mind though; whether he truly doesn’t notice or is simply used to it, sicheng doesn’t know.

yangyang knows why sicheng is like this. though he doesn’t pry, doesn’t even dare walk near the subject, he knows. in ways like this, sicheng values his friendship with yangyang. he respects his boundaries and at the same time there is never awkward air between them. 

they eventually part ways, sicheng waving away his friend as he attends his lecture. they’re a few weeks into the semester, and sicheng has sat at the same seat every time. it’s carefully calculated; his seat is close enough to hear his professor but far enough for people not to sit around him. he’s usually alone as the seats beside him are always empty. there are people a few rows ahead of him, friends in groups behind him, but the chatter is quiet enough to ignore. sicheng pulls out his computer, ready to create a new document to type up his notes, when he hears someone sit in the seat beside him.

he’s surprised, as nobody has ever done this before. sicheng doesn’t know anybody in this particular class (doesn’t want to, either) so he isn’t shocked when the person sitting beside him looks unfamiliar. he has long silver hair, which immediately makes him stand out from the rest. it’s wavy, framing his face nicely, and sicheng doesn’t even realize he’s been staring until the stranger’s hand moves to brush a strand behind his ears. rather frantically, sicheng turns his eyes back to his computer. 

when the lecture ends, sicheng packs up his things and gets ready to leave. he almost jumps when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

the stranger (the pretty one) is holding sicheng’s notepad and handing it to him, smiling widely. sicheng grabs it from him, thanking him quietly. 

“my name is yuta, by the way.” 

and though sicheng is in no mood to pursue any new friendship, he can’t bring himself to say anything harsh to the bright-faced stranger.

“sicheng.”

  
  


<3

  
  


sicheng thinks jaehyun is haunting him. of course, not literally, but the image of him lying on the couch or standing in the kitchen is engraved into his mind. sometimes, sicheng swears he even sees it; even if it is just for a mere second. when he wakes up in cold sweat at 3am, sicheng hears jaeyun’s soft whispers, lulling him back to sleep. eventually, his mild hallucinations pass, and he’s left with empty darkness. 

sometimes, sicheng tunes out of reality for a bit, going to some faraway neverland, dancing with jaehyun in his memories.

“sicheng?” 

moments like now.

“yeah?” 

kun looks at him worriedly, but continues talking. it’s a little hard to hear him with the loud chatter in the restaurant and with noodles in his mouth. 

“i was saying, i’m moving out of my old place and the room is empty now,” kun explains, and sicheng has no idea what he’s trying to imply. “my roommates want me to find someone to replace me and… i know you live alone, so what do you think about a change?” 

sicheng’s immediate answer is no, but he doesn’t say that out loud. kun watches him with hopeful eyes, and sicheng doesn’t want to upset him.

“i’ll think about it.” he says quietly, and kun’s face lights up. it isn’t a promise, and for sicheng it is more of a rejection than anything, but kun doesn’t seem to take it that way.

kun changes the subject and fills the silence, talking about the new place he’s renting that’s closer to his workplace. sicheng is happy for him, genuinely, and he almost feels himself hoping that kun can see it. 

sicheng has always been comfortable around kun; has always asked him for advice, for help, for anything really. he feels like the older brother that sicheng never had but always wanted, and he offers his shoulder to sicheng whenever he needs it. he was there when sicheng fell in love with jaehyun, and he was also there when jaehyun passed away. sicheng respects the elder, a lot, and tries to return the favour with equal kindness. (though admittedly, sicheng might not be doing an extremely good job.) 

they continue to talk for a little, before the night is over and kun offers him a ride home. sicheng accepts it, would rather that than walking home alone with his thoughts. the car ride is silent, though not awkward, and sicheng fights the urge to drift off to sleep. when they make it to his apartment, he shuts the car door behind him, and hears kun say something along the lines of  _ take care of yourself _ . 

sicheng will try. if not for himself, then for kun’s sake.

  
  


<3 

  
  


the thing is, sicheng didn’t always know he was in love with jaehyun. in hindsight, it’s questionable as to how someone could not be in love with him. physically jaehyun is beautiful, sicheng knows, but after knowing jaehyun for so long, he is so much more than what is on the surface. (it’s corny, yes, but it is also the truth.)

sicheng always felt wordlessly understood by jaehyun; whether it be his mood, how he was feeling, or even what he wanted to eat, jaehyun always knew. jaehyun knew when to give him space or when to pull him out of a rut. jaehyun knew when sicheng wasn’t sleeping enough or eating well. jaehyun cared for him better than he cared for himself, frankly. 

sicheng even remembers thinking at one point, why it was jaehyun that had died and not him. 

jaehyun was a good person. he made sure to buy a can of tuna every week to feed the stray cat that roamed around sicheng’s neighbourhood. he helped random old ladies load groceries into their trunks. sometimes, jaehyun dragged sicheng along with him to volunteer somewhere; whether it be an animal shelter or a soup kitchen. 

if jaehyun was the standard for pure and kindhearted people, sicheng would be considered an awful human-being. 

so, when he died, sicheng was angry. he was angry that the earth, that god, if there even was a god, let him die. that they let such a pure hearted person die; that they let the  _ only  _ person that mattered to sicheng die. 

and yet, sicheng didn’t cry when he heard the news. he didn’t cry when he attended the funeral. he didn’t cry when he felt his throat closing up as he gave a speech about jaehyun. he remembers feeling void of all emotion; numb. in fact, he was almost unbelieving. some part of sicheng thought that jaehyun was still alive, still smiling somewhere; still finding a stupid stray cat on the street to feed.

sicheng remembers crying for the first time visiting jaehyun’s grave. engraved on the stone was his name and date of birth, along with the words:  _ an angel. _ there were flowers all around, decorating it with pretty colours, representing all the joy that jaehyun had once brought to people. seeing that was enough to brim sicheng’s eyes with tears, before he was crying, asking why jaehyun had been the one to die and not him. jaehyun didn’t deserve this. jaehyun deserved so much better than  _ this _ . 

after that, the rest is a blur to sicheng. eating became a chore, sleeping became his escape, and living felt like a crime. his friends were distant, almost unsure, yet tried their best to provide him with the comfort they could. nobody really understood sicheng’s pain, no matter how much they tried to empathize with him.

sicheng lives on with one regret: that he never told jaehyun he loved him. 

  
  


<3

  
  


waking up to a knock on your door is never a good start to your day. waking up to a knock on your door from your  _ landlord _ is even worse. 

sicheng’s day worsens when he learns his landlord is asking him to move out. it was something about being tight on money and needing to sell the apartment. either way, sicheng received this month’s rent back, along with an abundance of apologies, and he suddenly needed to leave this place by next week.

sicheng remembers kun’s offer. at the time, he was almost certain that he’d be turning him down, and yet here he is, pulling out his phone to call kun. 

the line rings twice, before kun picks up.

“hello?”

“hi, kun, i was wondering if that room you told me about is still available?”

that was all it took. 

<3 

  
  


sicheng has never had roommates before. the idea of living with strangers is unappealing to him, and being the introvert he is, he’d much rather the peace and quiet of living alone. however, sicheng supposes he doesn’t have much of a choice here, and should just be grateful for the opportunities he’s given. he doesn’t have many things, most of his belongings fitting into his suitcase. the rest are folded into his backpack, which has sicheng standing uncomfortably with all the weight on his back. he’s on the doorstep of his new home, and it looks pretty big. 

after hesitating for long enough, sicheng rings the doorbell. there’s chatter behind the door that stops immediately upon the noise, and he hears someone excitedly say  _ he’s here!  _ before the door opens.

he’s greeted with the sight of a tall man with a bright smile on his face. he holds out his hand presumably for sicheng to shake, and he does.

“i’m lucas! come on in.” he greets and sicheng walks inside, taking off his shoes. it’s a pretty big house, considering that it houses four (now five, including sicheng) people. the living room is spacious and surprisingly tidy. sicheng thinks he could even grow to like this place.

“guys, he’s here!” lucas yells, and sicheng jumps at the sudden noise. he hears a bit of rustling before two people pop out of different rooms.

“that’s mark, we share a room together,” lucas explains, pointing at a smiley boy with black hair. “and the other one is dejun. yuta isn’t home right now, but i’ll introduce him to you when he gets back.” 

sicheng’s eyes widen and lucas seems to notice. “do you know yuta?” he asks, tone slightly teasing, but sicheng shakes his head. technically, he doesn’t. knowing his name can’t really be considered knowing someone. 

mark and dejun come down the stairs and briefly introduce themselves, before helping sicheng carry his things to his room. the room is smaller than the one he had before, much, but it’s enough to accommodate him. there’s a desk and a bed missing a bed frame, and a wardrobe in the corner. there are no curtains covering the windows and sicheng makes a mental note to buy some.

“make yourself at home.” lucas singsongs, and the house goes fairly quiet after that. there’s a little bit of talking, sicheng thinks it’s mark speaking, but he tunes them out as he empties his luggage. when his backpack is light and his suitcase is shoved into the wardrobe, sicheng falls onto the bed, relieved. he debates taking a nap before his thoughts are interrupted by the front door opening. he recognizes the sound because there are different charms attached to the door knob (for reasons that remain unknown to sicheng) and it’s almost like an alarm going off when it opens.

it occurs to sicheng that this might be yuta. he doesn’t want to get out of bed to greet his new roommate, but does it anyway, out of politeness. when his door creaks open and he slides himself out, he is indeed met with the familiar sight of the boy who had sat beside him in the one lecture.

“oh my god, he’s our new roommate?” yuta asks, and dejun looks up at him from the dining table. he gives him a nod before his eyes go right back to his phone.

yuta runs up the stairs, and sicheng thinks his swift movements almost remind him of a feline.

“hi, we’ve met before,” yuta grins, holding his hand out. “i’m yuta. but you already knew that.” 

sicheng nods, reluctantly shaking his hand. the amount of social interaction sicheng has received today is making his battery drain, and he wants nothing more but to go back to bed.

“you can go to your room now, but there’s no promises i won’t bother you later!” 

sicheng can’t decide if he likes or hates his new roommate. maybe a bit of both.

  
  


<3 

  
  


“i’m tired, kun, what is it?” sicheng huffs. he was fully ready to lie down and tune out the world, but kun’s caller id continuously showing up on his vibrating phone was hard to ignore.

“come on, sicheng, you know i can’t let you off without you telling me how you like your new room.” kun says, and there’s excitement in his voice.

sicheng lets out an annoyed sigh, but indulges kun anyway. there’s no way around this, as the elder is very good at getting what he wants. his explanations and thoughts are short and brief, but kun seems satisfied with his answers. when the phone call finally ends, sicheng himself almost falling asleep. he sets his alarm quickly before letting himself drift off.

  
  


<3 

  
  


sicheng wakes up abruptly, hours before he’s actually meant to. he can’t be bothered to check his phone but the darkness outside his window is enough of an indicator. he’s uncomfortable; chest heaving and bangs sticking to his forehead. it was another dream about jaehyun (or nightmare, he should call it). he leaves his room, heart beating loudly, to pour himself a glass of water.

his hands are shaking, and he almost drops his glass when a voice comes up behind him.

“you okay?”

sicheng turns around and sees mark. he’s younger than sicheng, by how much sicheng isn’t entirely sure. sicheng thinks it’s evident in the way he’s a little shorter than him, face still containing a little baby fat. 

“fine.” sicheng responds, breathy. 

mark tilts his head, as if scanning sicheng, but shrugs and opens the fridge. he grabs a tub of orange juice, and to sicheng’s satisfaction, has the decency to pour it into a glass.

“by the way, sometimes yuta stays up pretty late. if you hear loud noises it’s probably him.” mark warns, and sicheng nods. 

sicheng is tired and his eyelids feel heavy, but at the same time he’s scared to close them. the image of jaehyun being happy, being  _ alive _ , is engraved in his mind; is present everytime he closes his eyes. it’s haunting and almost unsettling for him. all he can think about is the regret he has and all the endless  _ what-ifs.  _

sicheng takes a seat on the couch, and just sits. he hears faint noises of yuta talking to someone; he’s probably playing a video game. the sounds are almost irritating, but they distract sicheng. and to some degree, sicheng is thankful for that.

  
  


<3

  
  


sicheng is awoken a second time when he hears talking around him. his eyes open slowly, and he sees his roommates gathered around in the kitchen. mark and lucas are cooking and dejun and yuta are sitting at the table, seemingly waiting for food. sicheng sits up from the couch, rubbing his eyes.

“you’re awake! want some breakfast?” yuta offers, and sicheng shakes his head.

“no thank you.” he declines quietly, and retreats back to his room. he has his lecture in an hour and woke up a little later than he would’ve liked. there’s silence after sicheng enters his room, but he hears their conversation start to flow again. sicheng gets dressed and pays their conversation no mind, though he can make out a few words. he feels like an outsider; everyone is already so well-connected and they’re seemingly good friends already. sicheng knows they’re trying their best to make him feel welcome, but his lack of effort is probably making it difficult for them.

he could try, if he really wanted to. he could try to make friends, he could try to start over; he could try to forget jaehyun. but sicheng doesn’t want to. even if jaehyun lives on as a nightmare that causes him to wake up at 3am in cold sweat, it’s still better than nothing. it’s better than moving on and forgetting, and in sicheng’s mind, he’d rather that than change. 

with jaehyun now in his thoughts, sicheng makes his way down the stairs, getting eyed by everyone eating at the table.

“i swear we didn’t poison the food.” lucas promises, and mark laughs beside him. they all look at him expectantly; hopefully. sicheng knows kun probably said many good things about him, and he probably isn’t living up to the expectations right now. 

sicheng musters a smile, denying the offer a second time. he leaves the house, door shutting out the sound of laughter.

  
  


<3 

  
  


listening to someone talk for two hours is enough to have sicheng’s brain turned to mush when it’s finally over. he has a plethora of new readings and assignments to tackle, and sicheng is anything but excited. he debates going back home to start them, but soon decides against it. he’s not sure if anybody is out of the house, and would rather not walk into a full house of chatter and noise.

sicheng goes to the library instead. thankfully, it isn’t crowded, much to sicheng’s pleasure. he’s able to find himself a seat in the far back, peacefully away from all people. the library is filled with the ambient hums of computers being typed on and book pages being flipped. it’s a relaxing background noise, and sicheng can almost feel the productivity on his fingertips, supercharged.

in quiet moments like these, sicheng thinks of jaehyun.

jaehyun often enjoyed accompanying sicheng while he studied, even if it bored him out of his mind. he’d usually end up letting out loud sighs in attempts to capture sicheng’s attention and redirect his focus on himself. jaehyun liked to complain and whine as the time went on and his patience wore thin. sicheng would smack him lightly with whatever textbook he had on hand, and that usually worked to shut jaehyun up for a good ten minutes.

of course, sicheng always gave into him. whether it was buying donuts after studying or going out to get food, sicheng indulged jaehyun in whatever he wished to do. he liked to act as though he had been forced against his will to do these things, but in retrospect, there isn’t anything that sicheng didn’t do willingly. he loved seeing jaehyun happy; loved seeing his dimples paint his cheeks and seeing his face glow. it wasn’t a rare sight, he nearly always saw jaehyun in his happiest state, with them having been such good friends.

and yet, silence also reminded sicheng of jaehyun for different reasons. like when jaehyun had been stood up on a date, and had to have sicheng come pick him up. they spent the night eating tacos and watching the stars in sicheng’s parent's car, silence falling over them. and yet, there were bright smiles on both of their faces as they simply absorbed each other’s presence. 

jaehyun had always been a comfort like that in sicheng’s life, and he felt as though they were peas in a pod. sicheng’s first love, and arguably sicheng’s last.

when had sicheng even realized he was in love with jaehyun?

maybe it was sicheng’s father had died, and he spent the following weeks mourning and crying. he remembers jaehyun visiting him frequently, letting him cry into his arms as his hand ran over sicheng’s back. he never spoke much, never said things to sicheng like “he’s in a better place now” or “i’m sorry for your loss”. all sicheng ever remembered him saying was a tiny  _ it gets better  _ into his ear as his body shook with sobs. 

or perhaps it was in simpler moments, like when sicheng’s eyes brimmed with tears as laughter couldn’t stop pouring out of his chest. fond memories of him hugging his aching stomach as he moved back and forth with jaehyun, laughing hysterically. it didn’t take much to activate this state for them, even unfunny jokes that sicheng wouldn’t even react to now. 

all sicheng knew was that one day he woke up and realized he couldn’t live without jaehyun, and that maybe the feeling ran a little deeper than friendship.

  
  


<3 

  
  


a knock on sicheng’s door prompts him to pull out his ear buds, relaxing tunes and melodies fading away. he gets up and answers it, finding mark standing on the other side.

“hi, sicheng. we were wondering if you wanted to get dinner with us?” mark asks, and “we” apparently refers to sicheng’s other roommates nestled on the couch. he sounds the slightest bit nervous, like he’s cautious and ready for rejection. sicheng supposes he hasn’t given the younger any chance to think otherwise. 

there’s two ways sicheng could go about this; he could reject them, as he kinda wants to, and move on with his day. sicheng thinks that maybe his roommates would give up on him if he did; stop asking him to hangout and stop prompting conversation in general. that could be a good thing, sicheng supposes. kun would probably be upset and give sicheng an earful. 

the other thing sicheng could do is say yes. he could pursue this friendship with his kind housemates, the ones who are trying their best to reach out to him. he could finally let himself become a better person; let himself be let go by jaehyun’s hold. something inside him tells him that jaehyun would want him to say yes, and that’s what pushes sicheng’s answer.

“sure.” he says, and he hears lucas cheer in the back. he gets dressed and they file into dejun’s car, driving off to some restaurant sicheng has never heard of.

they’re all engaged in a conversation, and as much as sicheng tries to include himself, he finds himself stepping away yet again. his head falls against the seat and he watches cars drive by outside of the window. despite being surrounded by people, sicheng feels oddly lonely. empty. it’s not a particularly foreign feeling to sicheng, and it’s only grown since jaehyun has left. 

“hi.” 

sicheng feels a hot breath in his ear and almost jumps. yuta is staring at him intently, wearing that same smile that sicheng has grown used to.

“hi.” 

“how was your day?” yuta asks, and sicheng nearly finds it strange that someone is so interested in him to want to know these things. it's been so long since someone has asked him this with genuine intent. 

“it was alright.” sicheng answers honestly. he spent the day cooped up in his room as usual, assignments and work draining his brain of all functionality. 

“did you start the reading? i didn’t,” yuta asks, and groans when he sees sicheng nod. “i probably should, shouldn’t i?” 

sicheng finds himself smiling. “yeah, i think that’d be in your best interest.”

“that’s such a smart person thing to say. listen, i’m trying here,” yuta complains, and he goes on to make a long excuse about how he had lost his textbook and didn’t want to pay for a new one. it prompts a conversation about how textbooks are way too expensive and colleges probably have enough money to cover them, yet they don’t.

“maybe you could find one if you dug around in the trash.” sicheng says, and he doesn’t even realize he’s cracked a joke until he sees yuta laughing.

“you know, you’re pretty when you’re smiling.” yuta comments, and it takes sicheng by surprise. he can’t help the blush that rises to his cheeks. instead of responding, he turns the other way, facing the window again, and yuta laughs.

“c’mon! i was just kidding. i mean not really, but you don’t have to get all shy.” yuta giggles, and sicheng huffs.

“i am not shy.” he complains, and yuta rolls his eyes.

“yeah, yeah. sure you aren’t,” yuta grins. 

sicheng thinks it’s nice, settling into this comforting atmosphere. maybe he should’ve tried making new friends a while ago.

when they arrive at the restaurant, lucas is already whining about how hungry he is. dejun says he’s a big baby and will probably devour everything in sight. lucas doesn’t disagree.

“i’m a big guy, i need lots of food to stay fed.” 

“you’re like this character from the anime i’m watching.” mark laughs, and it piques yuta’s interest.

“which anime is it?” yuta asks, and mark’s eyes go up as he thinks.

“it’s called orange, i think.” 

yuta’s face lights up. “oh, i know that one! it’s really sad, i think i cried watching it.”

sicheng knows this anime, having watched it with jaehyun before. it’s about a group of friends who write letters to their past selves in an attempt to stop their one friend from dying. jaehyun had cried after they’d finished it, and sicheng admittedly teared up at a couple of scenes. 

“have you seen it before, sicheng?” dejun asks, and sicheng nods.

“yeah. it’s pretty good.” he comments and mark claps his hands in agreement.

“it is, right? no spoilers though, please,” mark says, and proceeds to plug his ears when yuta playfully begins to spoil the show.

“yuta, you suck!” mark whines. their chatter is interrupted when plates of food are brought to their table, and sicheng’s mouth waters at the sight. lucas doesn’t hesitate to dive right in, sighing in relief as he chews and swallows.

“i think i could orgasm right now.” yuta says.

“shut up!”

  
  


<3 

  
  


sicheng considered him and jaehyun to be polar opposites.

jaehyun was an extrovert. he attracted attention everywhere he went, and friends were easy to make with a smile as bright as his. his social battery never seemed to drain, and he could go out to as many parties as he wished, finding enjoyment in all of them. sicheng, however, was much more of a homebody. jaehyun often tried to drag him out of the house and bring him to whichever fraternity was holding a party, but sicheng often denied. obviously, sometimes jaehyun’s coaxing worked. however, sicheng’s alcohol tolerance was by no means high, and he found it embarrassing when jaehyun would tease him about his drunk self.

in their love lives, jaehyun and sicheng also differed. jaehyun was popular. he dated many girls, kissed many girls, and slept with many girls. in fact, sicheng had all the reasons to believe that jaehyun was completely straight. but, jaehyun was always full of surprises, and it one day came in the form of a confession that he wasn’t completely straight. sicheng remembered thinking that jaehyun looked incredibly nervous and couldn't look him directly in the eye. that night ended with not just one person coming out, but two.

and yet, despite their differences, there was nobody’s company whom sicheng liked more than jaehyun’s. 

sicheng loved seeing his eyes crinkle when he laughed; loved seeing his dimple show with every smile; loved seeing the way he shook his head to get his bangs out of his face. 

sicheng loved  _ jaehyun _ , and had never gotten the chance to tell him so.

  
  


<3

  
  


by the time dinner is over and night has fallen over the city, sicheng wants nothing more than to seclude himself in his room. he almost falls asleep in the car ride home, and finds the soft chatter of his roommates talking to be a relaxing sound. luckily, everyone seems to sense his growing fatigue, and don’t try to engage in a conversation with him. sicheng appreciates it. 

when they get back, sicheng thanks them for the night out, and walks to his room. when he gets there, he hears someone following him. he turns around to see dejun. 

“you know, if you ever need someone to talk to, we’re all here for you,” dejun says quietly. sicheng opens his mouth before closing it, giving him a nod in lieu of a response. 

sicheng shuts the door behind him and takes a look at his phone. there’s text messages from kun that he’s received throughout the night.

  
  


_ heard you’re having dinner with your roommates!  _

_ tell me how it goes _

_ are you having fun ~~~~~~~~~~~~ _

_ how is it _

_ answer ur phone _

_ it was good _

_ good.  _

_ a little bird told me you seem closed off. _

_ try to talk to them more, okay? _

_ they’re my good friends, and i think they  _ _ can be yours too _

  
  


_ yeah _

_ if you ever need someone to talk to _

_ you know i’m always here _

  
  


_ thanks, kun. _

sicheng turns off his phone and closes his eyes, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

  
  


<3 

  
  


sicheng and jaehyun rarely ever fought. 

despite how different their personalities were, they rarely had arguments or fought. it was just how they worked. they knew how to sort out their problems and if sicheng thought that an argument was coming along, he avoided it. 

sicheng remembers the one time they did have a big fight. 

it was when jaehyun had begun to spend more time with his boyfriend at the time. it was his first boyfriend after he had come out to sicheng, and somehow, this relationship hurt sicheng more than the ones in the past. sicheng found himself unwillingly burning with jealousy at the sight of it, and he hated himself for it. 

it didn’t get any better when jaehyun started declining sicheng’s requests for going out, his excuses always having something to do with his boyfriend. for the first month, sicheng was okay. he could handle himself, and he didn’t want to seem like a jealous monster. jaehyun was happy, this guy (whom sicheng can’t even remember the name of now), made him happy. 

and yet, as time passed, sicheng felt worse and worse. he remembers kun telling him that he should just  _ talk  _ to jaehyun, but sicheng was stubborn. until one day, he snapped. he hadn’t meant to start a big argument with jaehyun with bitter words flying out of his mouth, yet that was what happened. 

sicheng also hadn’t meant to cry in said argument, yet that was what happened as well.

sicheng remembers seeing jaehyun’s face soften, change from something of betrayal and anger to simply apologetic. 

the next day following their fight, jaehyun broke up with his boyfriend. when sicheng had asked him why, he had simply responded with: “he wasn’t the one for me.” 

  
  


<3

  
  


sicheng forgot that yuta attended one of the same lectures as him. in fact, sicheng only seemed to realize after seeing yuta sit down beside him. 

“why didn’t you wait for me?” yuta asks, lips shaped in a pout.

“i forgot, sorry.” sicheng says sheepishly. it is the truth, after all. 

yuta seems to brush it off, taking his laptop out at the same time as sicheng. the lecture drawls on, boring sicheng as it does with the entire class. sicheng turns to look at yuta, whose eyes are focused on the front.

it feels like the first time sicheng has really  _ looked _ at yuta. he certainly undermined his beauty before, because he can confidently say that yuta is very pretty. he almost feels the urge to brush one of the strands of hair out of his face. yuta’s jaw is sharp, nose pointed, with dangly earrings decorating his ears. 

yuta once again catches sicheng staring, throwing him a smirk, and sicheng’s eyes are redirected to his professor again. 

when the lecture is over, sicheng decides to go to the library. he doesn’t expect yuta to follow him. 

“why are you following me?” sicheng asks.

“‘cause i want to,” yuta giggles. “where are we going?”

“i am going to the library.” sicheng states, trying to walk faster to lose yuta. it doesn’t work though, as yuta simply catches up. 

“i guess i am too.” yuta smiles, and his cheerful energy almost makes sicheng groan.

it’s going to be a long day for sicheng.

  
  


<3

  
  


in some way, sicheng thinks, yuta reminds him of jaehyun.

yuta is clingy, like jaehyun was, despite not even knowing sicheng too well. he always offers him food and sometimes shows up to his door with a piece of bread. sicheng usually rejects his offers, but it doesn’t seem to diminish yuta’s confidence. in fact, if anything, it seems to encourage his actions.

jaehyun was the same. he liked to cuddle when they watched movies, he liked to tail sicheng wherever they went. they were together so often that people even asked sicheng why jaehyun wasn’t with him when sicheng would show up at places alone. (sicheng always replied with a confused look, and would be met with a shrug and words along the lines of  _ i don’t know, you guys are always together. _ sicheng would try to ignore the way it made his heart flutter). 

yuta also has jaehyun’s confidence. he’s smooth with all his words, even if they’re stupid compliments, and his confidence never falters with any reaction he’s met with. 

yuta also reminds sicheng of jaehyun in moments like now, where he’s busy blowing on a strand of hair rather than working. sicheng wants to ask him why he isn’t doing something productive if he’s in the library, but he doesn’t want to disturb the peaceful ambiance. 

he decides to pull out his phone to send yuta a text instead. yuta had been the one to ask for his number, on the day sicheng had just moved in.

  
  


_ why are you here if you’re not  _ _ going to study _

  
  


_ im bored _

_ and you’re here so ^.^ _

  
  


_ i dont understand the point of  _ _ following me around _

_ just go home if you’re bored _

  
  


_ no _

_ wanna get food after _

_ there’s a really good sushi place around here _

  
  


_ i have to study _

_ and you should too _

_ pleaseeeeeeee _

_ please _

_ no _

_ go home _

_ finee _

  
  


sicheng doesn’t expect yuta to actually get up and leave, and he also doesn’t expect the feeling of disappointment to bloom in his chest when he does.


	2. misunderstanding

“i found this burger recipe, and i think i’m gonna try it.” mark says, holding up his phone. there’s a stock image of a picture perfect burger, and admittedly, it does look pretty appetizing. 

“that looks good. want some help?” sicheng asks, and mark almost seems surprised at his offer. he accepts it gladly, face lighting up. 

they spend the afternoon cooking, sicheng rolling meat into patty shapes. mark hums the tune of a song sicheng doesn’t recognize, and sicheng likes this; he likes spending time with his roommates, mark especially. they’ve never had any extremely long conversations, nor any deep ones, usually just scratching at the surface. sicheng thinks mark has mentioned an older brother before, but he can’t be sure. in fact, sicheng is almost regretful that he hasn’t made an effort to be friendlier to mark before. (or to all of his roommates, for that matter.)

mark is almost like the younger brother sicheng has never had. he cracks jokes and laughs loudly, hands always clapping together. sicheng sometimes thinks that mark is like a little boy stuck in a college boy’s body. 

mark grows quiet as he starts to place the meat into the pan, the sizzling drowning out all background noise. the smell of meat cooking fills the kitchen.

“hey sicheng, do you think i could ask you something?” mark asks, and sicheng thinks he looks the slightest bit nervous. 

“yes.” 

“i think i like this guy, but i don’t really know if i do.” mark says quietly, and sicheng pauses. he doesn’t know what he expected mark to ask, but it certainly wasn’t for relationship advice.

“i don’t think i’m the best person to ask about this subject,” sicheng confesses, and mark flashes him a worried look. “but, i think the fact you’re asking me this question means maybe the feeling runs a little deeper than friendship, or whatever you’re thinking.” 

mark grins. “thanks, i knew you would give good advice.”

sicheng raises his eyebrow. “and, why is that?”

mark shrugs, flipping the patties over. “you seem like you have a lot on your mind all the time.” 

sicheng doesn’t deny it. when they begin to plate the food, he hears a door open.

“what’s sizzling in here?” lucas asks, running down the stairs.

“burgers. juicy burgers.” mark laughs, and it’s followed by yuta coming out of his room as well. he’s rubbing his eyes and by the looks of it, he’s just woken up. 

“where’s dejun? he’s gonna want some of this.” yuta says, and lucas shakes his head.

“not sure. he might be on a date or something.” 

“really? good for him.” yuta smirks, and he takes a seat at the dining table. mark and sicheng bring over the plates of burgers. yuta is the first one to take a bite, and by the happy sigh he lets out, sicheng thinks he likes them. 

“how do they taste?” sicheng asks. 

“amazing.” lucas answers, mouth full and chewing. they don’t quite look as nice as the pictures on the website, but sicheng thinks they come close. 

“i miss kun’s cooking.” mark sighs, and everyone hums in agreement.

when they’re done eating, they switch gears and let yuta and lucas clean up the mess. yuta complains about not how much he hates touching greasy places, and mark tells him to suck it up.

“sicheng, can you help me pull my hair back?” yuta asks, and he uses his elbows to gesture at the hair falling in his face. 

sicheng nods and makes his way over to the sink where yuta is currently washing dishes. he gently brushes yuta’s hair out of his face, tucking the long strands behind his ears. the touch almost feels electric, and sicheng has the urge to pull away whenever his hand meets the soft skin on yuta’s face. 

yuta’s hair is velvety and smooth, and sicheng hates the way he misses the feeling when he lets go.

“good?” 

“good.” 

<3 

sicheng sometimes wonders what he’d be like if jaehyun was still alive. 

he tries not to think about it too much- usually thoughts about jaehyun aren’t very pleasant. regret was a common feeling with jaehyun, and as much as sicheng didn’t want to dwell on it, he couldn’t.

he remembers the first week after jaehyun died and how he couldn’t leave his room. everything around him resurfaced memories of jaehyun, and sicheng couldn’t bear to have them replay in his head. kun would even have to come around and bring him food, sometimes cooking for him as well.

kun spoke to sicheng with patience and understanding. even when sicheng wanted to do nothing but curl up into his sheets and rot away, kun made sure he saw just the slightest bit of sunlight.

sicheng almost found it funny how jaehyun was the one that died, yet sicheng was the one suffering. 

sometimes, sicheng found himself writing letters to jaehyun. of course, he’s never sent them before; had nowhere to send them to anyway. but, endless thoughts and longings needed to go somewhere, and sicheng ended up with countless letters filled with words and scribbles. some had tear stains, from when sicheng had cried, and others were crumpled, words barely legible.

they were all stored in a box hidden under clothes in his wardrobe. sicheng had debated throwing them out during his move, yet some part of him wasn’t ready to let go. in some way, those letters keep jaehyun alive; as if there was really a recipient.

<3

sicheng doesn’t really know how he ends up sitting on a couch, pressed between sweaty bodies, playing spin the bottle. the process was a blur, yuta had dragged him and his roommates out of their house to this party. sicheng was pretty unwilling, of course, but yuta was also stubborn and persistent. he’s holding a red cup filled halfway with some bitter alcoholic beverage. sicheng sips on it every now and then, and the flavour makes him wince.

gathered around this empty beer bottle are a couple of faces sicheng slightly recognizes. the names he knows are johnny, ten, seulgi, yerim, and doyoung. there’s a few more people but sicheng doesn’t know their names. mark is also here, with dejun and lucas having run off somewhere.

and, yuta, of course.

mark is shifting uncomfortably in his seat. sicheng watches his eyes dart over to someone and- oh. it makes sense now.

sicheng watches mark subtly look at the boy sitting beside him. he has fluffy brown hair and a similar build to mark himself. sicheng connects the dots in his head and almost wants to giggle, making a mental note to ask him about it later. he wonders what the person’s name is.

“okay guys, we’re starting. doyoung goes first.” ten smiles, and doyoung makes a face of displeasure.

“why do i have to start?” he complains, and ten shrugs, pushing the bottle towards him.

doyoung does spin the bottle, and it lands on someone with purple hair. he looks innocent,  _ cute _ , and almost reminds sicheng of a puppy. doyoung flushes a bright red.

“ah, taeyong. well, kiss up, guys.” ten says, and it earns him a few giggles from the circle.

doyoung reluctantly hauls himself over to taeyong, hand going to cup this face. with only a moment of hesitance, he leans in and presses his lips on taeyong’s. the kiss lasts around five seconds, and they both pull away, cheeks flushed.

“is this the start of something?” yuta teases, and taeyong gives him a playful shove.

a few more rounds go by; yerim and seulgi kiss, johnny and a girl named dahyun kiss, and a few others that sicheng doesn’t remember the names of. he’s beginning to grow bored, when suddenly it’s yuta’s turn. he gives the bottle a firm spin and sicheng feels anticipation growing in his chest.

it lands on some faceless guy sicheng doesn’t recognize, and he looks down into his cup. he doesn’t know why he’s avoiding the sight of yuta kissing someone; why he  _ cares,  _ at all. reluctantly, sicheng looks back up, and he’s met with the sight of yuta smirking at this guy. they’re both attractive, and sicheng feels like he’s watching something out of a gay porn. the thought is enough to make him laugh, but all feelings of delight are drained out of him when yuta goes forward and kisses the person. 

sicheng goes back to staring inside his cup. 

  
  


<3

on the anniversary of jaehyun’s death, sicheng pulls out a paper and begins to write a letter.

_ dear jaehyun, _

_ hi again. today marks two years since your passing, kinda crazy, isn’t it? i’ve moved into a new house- with roommates- you’d be surprised. you’d probably tell me how this is so unlike me and that you’d never expect this. yeah, i know.  _

_ i miss you. it’s stupid because i tell you this every year, i think about it everyday, but i feel the need to write it down. maybe you’re “watching me from above” and thinking i’ve moved on. well, absolutely not. here’s my verbal confirmation. well. not so much verbal. written, i should say. _

_ i have something to tell you. it’s something i should’ve said so much sooner, but i’ve delayed and delayed and delayed- even inside these stupid little letters. i love you, jaehyun. it’s been two years and i still love you the way i did so many years ago. you’ve died and i’m still in love with you. it isn’t fair, jaehyun.  _

_ it isn’t like you can respond anyway, i guess. sometimes i dream about you, but it’s usually a nightmare, or i wake up crying. not too pleasant. sorry. i wish you were still alive, i have so much shit to say to you. you had so much life to live. i'm sorry. _

_ well, before this gets sappy, i think i’ll put down my pen. i hope you’re resting well. hell, maybe you’re even reborn right now; you’ve always believed in reincarnation. i’ll visit you every year, jaehyun, i’ll never forget about you. i hope you know that. _

_ yours always, _

_ sicheng _

sicheng doesn’t even realize tears have begun to drip down his face until one wets his paper. he wipes them away before folding up the letter carefully, tucking it up in an envelope. he gets dressed and leaves his phone on his desk, making his way out the door.

sicheng stops by a flower shop to buy some roses. jaehyun always loved roses.

when he makes it to jaehyun’s grave stone, he stops and cries for a bit, placing the flowers down gently. he tucks the letter in the pocket of the roses. there aren’t any other flowers, which means he’s the first one to visit him today. the sky has cleared up; clouds moving away to show the sun. sicheng thinks it’s a fitting sight.

“hi, jaehyun.” 

  
  


<3 

sicheng feels empty as he begins to unlock the door to his house.

“where’ve you been?” lucas asks, but his words seem to fade out into the background.

“out.” sicheng mumbles, though he can’t even hear himself. he stumbles into his room, falling onto his bed. he doesn’t move for a while, and eventually drifts to sleep. 

he’s woken up by a gentle knock on his door. sicheng almost thinks he’s hearing things until he pauses and the knock returns again.

“go away, please.” sicheng breathes, hoping the person on the other side can hear him. to his surprise, they do exactly the opposite, and open the door. it’s yuta, and sicheng really doesn’t want to see him right now. 

he’s too tired to get up and get yuta to leave, so instead he brings the covers over his head and moves towards the corner. 

“are you okay, sicheng? you didn’t respond to any of my texts.” yuta says softly, like sicheng could break at any moment. though it isn’t far from the truth; yuta is talking to him in his most vulnerable state.

“didn’t see them,” sicheng mumbles. “please leave me alone.” 

“you know, you can talk to me right?” yuta says, and sicheng feels him sit on the corner of his bed.

sicheng inhales shakily. “get out. please.” 

yuta doesn’t move. 

“leave, yuta! i don’t want your fucking help, why can’t you ever take a hint?” sicheng snarls, and it sounds like a yell in his ears. yuta nods and quietly slips out of sicheng’s room, and he somehow feels worse than he did before.

<3

just like always, sicheng gets out of his slump around a week after jaehyun’s death anniversary. his roommates have been hesitant to talk to him, probably confused at his sudden distant behaviour. they give him the space he needs while also trying to approach him at the same time. 

sicheng knows he doesn’t make it easy for them, and some part of him is slightly apologetic for that. what sicheng feels particularly bad about- though he tries not to- is yuta. frankly, sicheng shouldn’t even care, and he doesn’t want to.

yuta walks on eggshells around him, and makes no attempt to speak to him at all. he comes home, goes straight to his room, and leaves when he needs to. he doesn’t linger around the kitchen and spike up a conversation with sicheng anymore, and though this is what sicheng wanted in the beginning, he feels empty; shallow. 

sicheng thinks he should apologize, no, he knows he should. and yet, everytime he tries to, yuta seems to slip out of his fingers. 

today though, sicheng has determination. he walks to yuta’s room and knocks on the door. yuta doesn’t seem to expect him, because when he opens the door, his lips make an o shape.

“hi, sicheng. what is it?” yuta asks, and he doesn’t have that familiar smile on his face. he’s tapping his foot on the ground and sicheng can see flashing lights from his computer.

“um- i wanted to say i’m sorry.” sicheng says weakly, eyes on the ground. 

“yeah, is that everything?” and sicheng’s eyes shoot back up to yuta’s face. “i’m taking the hint, like you asked me to.”

“that’s not what i-” 

the door closes in front of his face.

<3

of all his roommates. sicheng doesn’t expect to confide in dejun. they haven’t really talked much since sicheng has moved in, only sharing the occasional greeting when they pass each other. when sicheng thinks about it, he knows close to nothing about dejun.

jaehyun has always been a touchy subject for him, and he never really knows how to start the conversation about him with anybody. he’s rehearsed it many times in his head, but then again he’s never really planned on telling anyone. until now. 

after pacing back and forth in his room, sicheng decided to ask dejun for help, and also let a weight fall off of his chest.

“sorry i’ve been distant…” 

“no shit, if i were you, i’d probably be distant too.” dejun says honestly, and sicheng almost feels a smile tugging at his lips.

“please don’t tell the others. i’ll let them know when i’m ready,” sicheng explains, and dejun nods. “now, what the fuck do i do.”

dejun laughs, shoulders shaking. “no idea.”

sicheng groans, and he stuffs his head into his hands. “yuta seems really pissed-- and he has every right to be, you know? but my words weren’t genuine, they were just out of a moment’s anger-”

“tell him that then,” dejun shrugs.

“i  _ would _ , if only he gave me the chance.” sicheng says, voice bordering on a whine. 

“i don’t know, sicheng. no offense but you’ve given us every hint that you don’t want to talk to us.” dejun admits, voice small.

“i know. and i’m sorry. i’m trying to… get better.” 

“to be fair, i can’t imagine losing the love of your life.”

“it sucks. like really sucks.”

and in a tender moment like this, they both start laughing. it’s the wholehearted, feel good kind of laugh. the kind that sicheng hasn’t experienced in so long. 

“yuta… he’s everything he seems; confident, outgoing, extroverted. but, he’s sensitive, you know? he never acts like he takes that shit to heart but he really does. he doesn’t hate you, definitely not, and he’ll bounce back fine,” dejun explains. “besides, we’re all roommates. how long can we really hate each other for? i literally wash your guys' socks.”

sicheng laughs again. 

<3 

“so, what’s his name?” 

mark seems surprised that sicheng has begun initiating conversation again. “whose?” 

“you know, the boy you not-so-secretly like.” sicheng hums.

mark groans. “listen- that was, okay, i don’t know what you saw, but it wasn’t like that. i don’t think. i’m still figuring stuff out- don’t jump to conclusions!”

“name?”

mark sighs in defeat. “donghyuck.”

“he’s pretty, i can see why you like him.” sicheng teases.

“yeah. he is,” mark breathes, almost looking a little dazed. “i just feel different when i’m around him, you know? lighter- happier, even?”

sicheng nods. “i know that feeling.” 

mark’s head spins around. “really? who do you- or did you-” 

“a boy. his name was jaehyun, i think he would’ve really liked it here. would’ve really liked you.” 

“oh. i’m sorry.” 

“don’t be. i’m sorry for moping over him all the time. i should just let him… rest. shouldn’t i?” sicheng asks, but it’s mostly to himself. 

“i don’t think what you’re doing is wrong. you’re stronger than most, you know,” mark says honestly, and sicheng smiles, eyes glimmering. 

“you’re a smart kid, mark. i think donghyuck would like you.” 

mark groans. “i’m not even a kid. i’m only like, two years younger than you!” 

“still a little boy.” sicheng sings, and mark gives him a nudge.

“yeah, yeah. and, when you’re ready to do something about your staring problem, let me know.” mark says nonchalantly, and sicheng’s eyes widen.

“what staring problem?”

“figure it out yourself,” mark sings, in the same tone sicheng had used before.

<3

finding a chance to talk to yuta is actually harder than sicheng expected. yuta is popular; has a large group of friends and many people he hangs out with. him being alone outside of their home is almost unheard of.

some days yuta is with johnny, sitting in the library or walking around campus. others, he’s with doyoung, hoping into his car as they drive off to some place together. sometimes he hangs out with both of them along with a few others; one of them being the boy he kissed at the party. sicheng thinks his name is jungwoo. 

it’s almost nice, sicheng thinks, to watch him laugh and smile with others. it differs from sicheng, who is usually alone with earbuds drowning around all the noise around him.

yuta still sits beside him in his one lecture, but it’s almost as if he isn’t there. he doesn’t make a move to talk to him anymore.

today, however, sicheng tries a different approach. he tears out a page from his notebook and scribbles some words on it quickly, before folding it up and sliding it to yuta.

_ can we talk?  _

yuta unfolds it and stares at it for a moment, before pressing his pen onto it.

_ sure _

with sicheng nervously anticipating the count-down of the clock, time seems to go by much slower. yuta looks unfazed, not a single glance spared towards sicheng during the whole thing.

when the professor finally lets them go, sicheng walks behind yuta.

“what did you want to talk about?” he asks, and finally, he’s looking at sicheng.

“i’m sorry,” sicheng says. “the thing is, that day that- you talked to me, it was the death anniversary of someone really important to me. so, i was in a really bad mood and bad place and i didn’t mean to lash out at you. i was hoping we could um- still be friends. since we’re roommates after all.” 

sicheng stares at his feet as a lengthy pause ensues. 

“oh shit, sicheng. now i’m feeling like the shitty person here.” yuta laughs, and sicheng beams at the sight; one he has missed.

“no, you’re not,” sicheng reassures. 

sicheng thinks that an apology probably isn’t enough.

“want to- try that sushi place you were talking about?”

yuta’s face lights up.

<3

“what do you do in your free time?” yuta asks, chopsticks reaching out to the plate of sushi.

“i like to read and listen to music,” sicheng says, as if his response is rehearsed. “i’m not a very interesting person.” 

yuta makes a face. “what do you mean? i’m pretty interested in you.” 

sicheng ignores the feeling that flutters inside of him. “what about you? what do you do in your free time?” 

“play video games, hang out with my friends. i go to parties sometimes, get drunk on disgusting beer,” yuta smiles, and sicheng winces.

“gross. i hate that stuff,” sicheng comments honestly. “why does it always taste like shit?”

“maybe you’re just a baby with low alcohol tolerance.” yuta sings, and sicheng rolls his eyes.

“yeah, sure.” he mumbles, though he knows it’s true. awkward memories of his drunk self with jaehyun resurface. 

“have you ever been in love before?” yuta asks, and he’s staring at sicheng intently.

sicheng suddenly feels something in his throat. “yeah,” he says quietly. 

“what are they like?” yuta asks again. 

“they  _ were _ my favourite person to be around. you know that feeling when you wish time could just stop so you could live in the moment for a little longer? i felt that a lot with him,” sicheng explains. “he was my best friend. it’s too bad i didn’t get to tell him i loved him.” 

yuta pauses. “is he-” 

“yeah.” 

“sorry.”

sicheng feels a weight being lifted off his chest. “don’t be.” 

“he sounds like he was a great person, to be loved by you.” yuta comments, and sicheng’s eyes dart up to his face. his expression is unreadable. 

“i’ve never been in love before. i’d like to experience it one day,” yuta continues.

“it’s nice, just- make sure they don’t go dying on you.” sicheng jokes weakly and yuta lets out a small giggle. 

“it feels very inappropriate to be laughing.” yuta says, and sicheng smiles.

“well, that didn’t stop you, did it?” 

“i guess not.” 

they continue to eat in silence, yuta occasionally humming around the sushi in his mouth. sicheng enjoys this, eating with yuta. the food is good and yuta is fun to be around, and he thinks he should’ve done this sooner.

“i just feel empty sometimes, you know?” yuta says out of nowhere. “everyone’s kinda found their person, and i’m just… here. of course, i’m still young and everything, but it gets to me sometimes. i guess.”

yuta immediately follows up with a grin. “sorry that got all sappy and weird.”

“not at all. i think it’s normal to feel that way,” sicheng says honestly. “you’ll find your person. i mean, you’re  _ you _ .” 

yuta quirks an eyebrow up in amusement. “what’s that supposed to mean?”

sicheng plays with his thumbs. “i mean, you’re yuta; the outgoing, extroverted, and friendly yuta that everyone loves. the yuta that attends all the parties and makes you laugh. the yuta that plays video games until sunrise and annoys all his roommates,” sicheng lists. “someone will have all these things to love about you.”

yuta blinks once and then twice, eyes wide. sicheng takes a moment to realize that his observations were a little  _ personal _ , and a blush rises to his cheeks.

“nobody’s ever said anything like that to me before.” 

“well, i’m glad i’m the first then."

yuta eats another piece of sushi before asking, “what was he like?. your- your first love i mean.”

“he was my best friend. ever since i was… ten years old maybe? it’s hard to remember. he’s always been in my memories,” sicheng recalls. “he was just… perfect? that sounds cheesy but he really was. he was such a good person that he made me feel like a terrible one.”

yuta groans. “did he volunteer in his free time? that’s such a good person thing to do.”

sicheng smiles at the accuracy. “yep.”

“i knew it!” he exclaims. “don’t let that fool you, he probably had a secret stash of porn at home.” 

sicheng resists the urge to smack the silver boy’s head. “do not speak so unkindly of the dead.” 

“sorry,” yuta grins cheekily. “it’s probably true though. it’s not a bad thing! so if sicheng’s first love is hearing this, please don’t haunt me.” 

sicheng laughs, and thinks it’s the first time someone has ever made a joke about jaehyun like this. and yet, he doesn’t find it offensive; he thinks jaehyun would probably laugh along if he heard it as well.

<3 

as the days fly by, sicheng learns more about his roommates.

he learns that lucas is allergic to peanut butter (which yuta calls him weak for); learns that dejun hosts a radio show part-time which is why he isn’t home all the time. he also learns that mark is close friends with johnny, who hangs around yuta a lot.

of course, sicheng has also learned a mountain of facts about yuta, but that is besides the point.

kun is thrilled to hear all this of course, saying an excited  _ i knew you would like them!  _ through the phone. sicheng just lets out a light chuckle, and lets kun tell him more stories about his roommates.

sicheng’s routine has also changed; slightly adapted to his roommates’ schedules. they usually all have dinner together, whether it be take out or a new recipe that mark wants to try. (although mark certainly isn’t the best cook, and sicheng finds himself stepping in to help more often than not.) 

kun has also come over sometimes, cooking meals for the five of them. in addition, yuta’s friends have all come over before, as well as lucas and dejun’s circle. sicheng now can safely say he knows the names of around at least ten more people than he did before. 

donghyuck comes over sometimes too, and sicheng always gives a teasing smile to mark, which he’s returned a glare with. 

presently, the five of them are sitting on the couch, watching some action movie, when suddenly yuta gives the idea of throwing a party.

“no, our house would be a mess. will the landlord even allow that?” sicheng asks. his answer is instinct, and throwing a party in his safe-haven doesn’t sound appealing at all.

“c’mon! our house is big and ten said it’d be a good idea- which i agree.” yuta counters, and sicheng shakes his head.

“if we do, you’re cleaning. and staying out of my room.” 

“is that a yes?” yuta asks cheekily, to which sicheng groans.

“no.” 

“what about you guys? what do you think?” yuta says, eyes darting to the rest of his roommates. dejun just kinda shrugs. 

“i don’t really mind.” lucas comments.

“only if we get good tasting alcohol.” mark adds, and sicheng’s eyes widen.

“mark, you’re a kid, why are you critiquing alcohol flavours?” sicheng asks. 

“i’m literally legal! in fact, very legal actually. i could sleep with someone’s dad if i wanted to as well.” mark groans.

the rest of them laugh.

“well, it looks like i’ve got the majority.” yuta says, smirk painting his face.

“you’re cleaning. this was  _ not _ my idea.” sicheng mumbles, preparing himself for the disaster to come.

“yeah yeah, princess. i got it.”

<3

when the party rolls around, sicheng is less than excited. he’s still a little confused on why any of his other roommates agreed (he trusted dejun!) but he supposes it’s too late for regret now. yuta has started putting fragile items in cupboards and storing valuables away. 

“how many people are coming?” sicheng asks, as yuta loads beer cans into the fridge.

“not too many, don’t worry about it.” 

“that isn’t a number.” 

yuta looks up at sicheng and flashes him his signature blinding smile. “don’t worry about it.” 

<3 

sicheng makes a mental note never to trust yuta ever again, especially if he says ‘don’t worry about it’. he can hardly contain his annoyance when he sees people filing into his home, shoes scattered around the front door. they’re walking around and touching everything, and sicheng can feel irritation itching at the back of his brain.

“relax, sicheng,” he feels yuta whisper in his ear. “i’ll clean everything tomorrow, ‘kay? promise.”

and though sicheng knows not to trust yuta’s words, he feels himself relaxing slightly. he grabs a glass of water to sip on as the loud music booms in his ears. he’s sure they’re going to get complaints from the poor neighbours.

sicheng goes to sit on the couch and pulls out his phone, texting yangyang.

_ my roommates are having a party at our house. _

  
  


_ sick dude!!! _

_ i’d totally come if i didn’t have this annoying assignment _

_ T_T _

  
  


_ not sick _

_ having all these people at my house is making me sick _

  
  
  


_ don’t complain. what if you see someone hot ;) _

  
  


_ i’m not looking _

_ i wouldn’t know _

  
  


_ yuta’s pretty hot _

  
  


_ okay this conversation is over _

  
  


_ NOOOOO _

_ sicheng i was kidding _

_ hahahahahhaha _

_ obv _

_ hows the party _

_ awful _

_ awful to the point i have to text u _

_ aw gee :’’) _

_ i’m tearing up thank u  _

  
  


_ yeah yeah _

_ how’s your assignment going? _

  
  


_ good _

_ wish you were here to help tho _

_ i could use your brains _

_ im flattered _

_ you should be! i don’t offer these compliments to just anyone… _

  
  


_ thanks _

_ no problem _

_ anyway  _

_ get back to the party loser! _

  
  


yangyang’s timing is eerily in sync with the way sicheng feels a weight beside him on the couch. sicheng turns to look at whoever has just taken a seat, and is surprised to see one of yuta’s friends. it’s johnny, and though sicheng considers himself pretty tall, johnny is still a little taller. an impressive feat. he’s also  _ very  _ attractive, which sicheng has noticed before, but really gets to see now that he’s up close.

“hey, sicheng!” johnny greets, grin wide. 

“hi, johnny.” 

“i’m surprised you agreed to this, yuta says you hate parties.” johnny smiles.

sicheng sighs. “i didn’t agree to this. but that didn’t seem to stop him, did it?” sicheng asks, and it earns a laugh out of johnny.

“you’re right. though, it is  _ yuta _ so i wouldn’t expect any less.” johnny adds. 

“this is going to be a bitch to clean up in the morning,” sicheng complains. “yuta said he would, but i don’t trust him. at all.”

“i wouldn’t trust him either. especially after this stunt.” johnny laughs, and sicheng groans. he stares at the glass of water in his hands, which has since warmed up to a gross lukewarm temperature. johnny says something about going to see ten, which sicheng just waves off.

in the corner of sicheng’s eye, he can see mark and donghyuck talking together. they’re laughing with each other and overall just having a good time, and the image almost reminds sicheng of him and jaehyun. 

jaehyun would probably enjoy this party; would probably enjoy the taste of beer in his mouth, enjoy the loud music ringing in his ears. 

yuta is nowhere to be found and sicheng grows bored of watching people talk to each other or drink beer. he walks around the house for a bit, surveilling the messes and seeing if anything has been broken. to his surprise, the damage seems to be minimal, and he lets himself breathe for a moment.

sicheng silently hopes that nobody is in his room as he makes his way up the stairs. there’s people making out on the stairwell, and sicheng directs his focus on his door.

when he opens it, he doesn’t expect to see yuta inside. correction, he doesn’t expect to see yuta inside making out with jungwoo.

he stands in the doorway for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. they don’t seem to notice him, jungwoo being propped up on sicheng’s desk, hands fisted in yuta’s shirt.

“can you guys… not do that in my room?” sicheng coughs, breaking the silence.

yuta looks up, lips swollen and eyes hazy. “yeah, sorry, sicheng.” he says, words a little slurred. the two of them walk past sicheng, the smell of alcohol strong. sicheng shuts the door behind them, locking it with a click.

sicheng falls onto the bed and an unfamiliar feeling swims around in his gut. jealousy? no, that would be stupid, sicheng thinks. he doesn’t have feelings for yuta, why would he be jealous? yuta is hardly his, and he has no reason to be feeling this way.

sicheng decides that it’s just the smell of alcohol making him feel dizzy.

<3

come morning, sicheng wakes up with a headache. it’s to be expected, as sicheng usually gets one whenever he doesn’t get enough sleep. (which would be explained by the inability to fall asleep due to the music outside his door last night.)

sicheng gets up and opens his door, and is surprised when he sees yuta keeping his promise; picking up garbage and sweeping the floors.

“you’re up, sleeping beauty!” yuta says when he sees sicheng. “you overslept. we had to clean everything ourselves.”

lucas, dejun, and mark pop out from all different areas, trash bags in hand.

sicheng rubs his eyes. “first of all, you promised you would. i did not promise to anything,” he snaps, voice uneven. “second, i could barely sleep thanks to the music. and third, i think this is fair since you made out with someone in  _ my  _ room.” 

sicheng goes to pour himself a glass of water, and yuta looks at him with guilty eyes and a slight pout. 

“i’m sorry, sicheng. i was drunk and i really thought it was my room, had i known it was yours i obviously wouldn’t have-” 

sicheng cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “yeah, yeah. just don’t do it again.”

“you made out with jungwoo in  _ sicheng’s  _ room?” dejun asks, coming out from their backyard. “yeah, i’d be pissed too.”

yuta groans. “i’m sorry! drunk me is not the brightest.”

“nor is sober you, to be honest.”

yuta hits dejun lightly.

“either way, sicheng. i’ll treat you to food or something as my dearest apology.” yuta persuades.

“okay, it better be good then.” 

yuta smiles. “of course.”

<3

sicheng decides that the noodles he’s eating are worth the makeout session yuta had in his room.

“am i forgiven?” yuta asks, watching sicheng eat.

“yes, temporarily.” sicheng says, feigning annoyance. yuta giggles.

“can we never have a party at our house ever again, please?” sicheng asks, and yuta shakes his head with a smile.

“no promises!” 

“i hate you.”

“i hate you too.”

sicheng decides there’s no winning against yuta, and goes back to eating his noodles. they taste good, taste like  _ home,  _ almost.

“i’m thinking of dyeing my hair red, what do you think?” 

<3

sicheng doesn’t expect yuta to dye his hair the very next day. when he comes home, yuta greets him, hair a bright crimson. the long strands are tied back in a tiny ponytail, and the colour suits yuta a little too well.

“what do you think?” yuta asks, excitement lining his voice. it’s obvious that he’s been waiting for sicheng to come home.

“wow, it actually doesn’t look too bad.” 

yuta smiles. “i know, i can pull off any hair colour.”

“don’t get all cocky on me now.” sicheng laughs.

yuta rolls his eyes. “it’s actually just the truth.”

<3

for sicheng, loving jaehyun was like breathing; it was natural, and it was all he had ever known. even after death, sicheng felt as though his heart still belonged to the same boy it did many years ago; the boy who captured hearts everywhere he went.

but recently, sicheng has had a wondering; one that he never thought he’d be curious about. he wonders if jaehyun were still alive, would he love him still? would he love him in the unconditional way he thought he always would? 

sicheng was always sure that jaehyun was his first and last love. 

he isn’t so sure anymore.

<3 

jungwoo has been coming over frequently.

sicheng always says hi to him when he does, watching as he bounces to yuta’s room with a pep in his step. sicheng tries not to let it get to him- tries not to think about what they could be doing in there- but it usually never works.

“jungwoo comes over a lot.” dejun says, as he and sicheng wash the dishes together.

sicheng hums in lieu of a response.

“what do you think they do in yuta’s room?” dejun asks, and his tone suggests he’s hiding something.

“what are you trying to get me to say?” sicheng sighs, and dejun shrugs.

“‘dunno. i’m trying to… get you to admit to something.” 

“what would that be?”

dejun smiles mischievously. “well, that would be for you to find out.”

the sound of a door opening catches both dejun and sicheng’s attention, and they both turn around in sync. yuta and jungwoo are coming out of yuta’s room, and sicheng thinks their cheeks both look a little flushed.

“we’re going out.” yuta announces, and dejun gives them a nod.

sicheng doesn’t know why his heart aches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey lol . second chapter is here . say hi everybody.
> 
> kudos and comments r appreciated ^_^ see u in the next chapt!

**Author's Note:**

> hi omg back with another fic. i literally didn't have any motivation to write for an entire month.. and then i was suddenly hit with this idea. hope u like it, there are more chapters to come. the house sharing part of this fic is kinda inspired by neocxxlture's fic called "the wind blows over my head". its a very good fic, and it's in my bookmarks if u wanna read it !~
> 
> this chapter was mostly focused on jaehyun and sicheng, so you can develop an idea of what their friendship was like !! there's more yuta and sicheng action later. promise. 
> 
> p.s : excuse any mistakes !! <3 
> 
> <3 kudos/comments are appreciated ^_^ lmk what u think so far ~


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